My goodness it's been a LONG time since I've blogged. But, this needs to be done. These things NEED to be said. If what I say offends you or you don't like it, don't read it. That being said, I have to get these things off my chest or else I might explode. So without further ado...
What the heck is wrong with me??? Am I such a horrible person that not even God wants to be my friend? Am I really so awful that I lose friends like most people lose their car keys? Why have I lost four friends, no, not friends, family, people that I have called my family, in less than a year? Matt, Amanda, Gary and Josh. In that order. Why? What did I do? Matt and Amanda I can sort of understand. They swim in a pool of never ending drama. They eat, drink and sleep drama. When they poop the drama that they have eaten, there is drama in it. Eventually, it was going to catch up to me. Sooner or later, their drama was going to consume me. It did. I have lost two friends. It sucks that I've had to pay a lot of money because of their drama, but I did and I'm happy that it is almost over with them. There is still some legal issues going on, but I don't want to talk about it right now. That is for a different blog once it is all said and done.
Gary? He was my longest tenured friend. I have gone to battle with this man a hundred times. We won some, we've lost some. He and I met while working together at Nice-Pak. Good kid. A bit misguided, but I liked him. He was funny, and he and I had a lot of stuff in common. We both loved the Highlander movies, we both loved Star Wars and he was a closet WWE lover. I met Gary when it was still the 90's, that's how long he and I have been friends. Eventually, he met a girl and married her. He went his way, I went mine. We hooked back up a few months later because, well, that's just what friends do. They find a way. He then introduced me to another one of my best friends. And we were the three amigos. We were always together and we all had so much in common. Then Gary wanted to make his father proud and go fight for Ol' Dubbya. Yes, I am proud of him for doing that. When Gary came home after 3 years, he was different. I wasn't the only one that noticed it. He still came around, yes, but he was different. I knew that a bomb was going to drop any time. And it did. After a spat about guns (I don't like them, he does), he eliminated me off of Facebook. No matter. That doesn't bother me. But when I asked him about it, he just basically said that he didn't mean to, but that he and I were different. And that was basically it. I have lost another friend. I haven't heard from him since July 4th, 2012. I miss the kid like crazy and I hope his life is good. I wish him the happiness that he has struggled to find.
Then there's Josh. I took this kid in. I took him under my wing at BK. I cared for him, I loved him. I tried to show him what it meant to be a friend and I tried to show him how a father can love a son. I took him to King's Island with us to Spirit Song. I paid for his food and his ticket to the concert. I helped him buy a car, I helped him buy a cell phone and even put him on our cell phone plan. I got him a promotion at Burger King. When I went to Chili's, I brought him with me. When I left the Franklin store and went to my home store in Bloomington, I told him to come out and see me as often as he wanted and to make sure he either brought or mailed me the cell phone payment at the beginning of every month. He agreed and off I went. I immediately had to remind him to bring me the cell phone payment (this became a monthly ritual). I bought him a really great Christmas gift and received nothing in return. That's okay, it's better to give than to receive. I did my best to try to show Josh in many different ways that he was loved. That he wasn't alone and he didn't have to face the world alone. He didn't have to go through this life by himself. He had friends who loved him dearly. A few weeks ago, I noticed that I had not seen anything from him on Facebook for a long time. I mentioned something about it to Amanda and she told me that he had deleted and blocked her on Facebook. Weird. So I sent him a text. Nothing. I called him. Nothing. I called and I texted and I texted and I called and I never heard a word from him. I was starting to get worried about him. So I got a hold of a mutual friend and asked him about Josh. Josh had a new cell phone. One that wasn't on our cell phone plan. So I got his new phone number and contacted him. I got the typical, "oh, I just didn't know how to get a hold of you" lines. I knew what was coming. I could see the writing on the wall. I got in touch with him this past Friday to once more let him know that the cell phone payment was still due. I told him if he just gave me the money to cancel the phone, then we would call it even. He did. As he handed me that money, I hugged him one more time and told him I loved him. I smiled and nodded as he lied to me by saying he loved me too.
Tonight I sent him an email asking what I had done to him. Why he was so angry at me. The email had been viewed, but I didn't get a response. I have lost yet another friend. My friendship is not cherished. My feelings are not cared for. I am tired of hurting each time I lose another friend. My heart has shattered into a thousand tiny pieces once more. I don't know what I am doing wrong.
So if you claim to be my friend, if you think you and I are pals, please, let me know if I'm doing wrong. Because I cannot stand to lose another person in this life. I have lost my entire family, I don't want to lose you too.
