Blog, blog, blog. Blog, blog, blog.

As per usual I have so much on my mind.  I don't even know where to start.  So, I guess I'll just begin the ramblings of a madman.

As you may or may not know, I love tattoos.  I have six of them right now and plan to do many more under the right circumstances.  Every single one of my tattoos have a meaning to them.  They have a purpose.  I didn't just get them just because I thought they were cool.  They all mean something special  to me.  I am going to post some pictures of some tattoos that I have, that other people have and that I love.

The top one, Amanda got for me.  The bottom one, I got for her.  Now, you have to understand that I have ALWAYS been 100% dead set against getting her name tattooed anywhere on me.  Call me superstitious, call me stupid.  What ever you want.  But I've been completely against it.  I believed it to be a curse.  However, I will say that this is my favorite tattoo that I have on me.  Period.  It is a beautiful work of art that has my best friend's and lover's name on it.  What's not for me to love?  Now I will tell you that this was also the most painful tattoo that I have as well.  I was in some serious pain while getting this done.  It was worth it to me though.  What convinced me to get it done was that after 17 years together, and all the misery and bull shit that I put my wife through, she deserved this.  She had rightfully earned this tattoo.  I have no regrets about getting it.  Like I said, this is my favorite tattoo that I have.

This one is my Lacrae 1-1-Six tat.  Lacrae is one of my favorite Christian musicians.  He is a rapper.  I normally cannot stand rap music.  In fact, I pretty much hate it, but this guy is the truth.  He is on fire for Christ.  You can hear his passion for the Lord and for spreading the gospel in his music and lyrics.  I got this tattoo the day after seeing him in concert.  The red continuous R's stand for "Resurrect, Rebuild and Rehabilitate in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit".  The 1-1-Six is for Romans 1:16 which says; "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes.  First to the Jews, then to the Gentile.

My first ever tattoo.  Well, the name was anyway.  I got this tattoo not long after Hayden was born.  After 14 years, it had faded immensely.  I had Inky outline the name and re-color it as well as add the bull.  Hayden is a Taurus after all.  It only seemed fitting.

This was my second tattoo.  It is hard to see, because again, it is fading.  But it is a white tiger with Cullen's name underneath it.  I really want to get this one refinished as soon as possible.  I just have to come up with the money.

Aahhh...my Homer tattoo.  This was my very first tribute tat.  I had this one done for my best friend who lost his battle with cancer in January of 2010.  He and I had a lot of good times together when we were younger.  However, like most friends from high school do, we lost touch once we graduated.  Yes, his name is Brad, but I always called him Homer.  Sitting in his kitchen one night with him and his mother, I had to laugh when the two of them began bickering.  Like most teenage boys do, Bradley kept antagonizing his mother.  She got fed up with this and yelled his full name; BRADLEY HOMER LITTELL!  I stopped dead in my tracks and looked straight at her.  "What did you say?" I asked her.  Brad began begging his mom not to repeat it.  "Bradley Homer Littell" she told me.  I nearly fell out of the kitchen chair I was laughing so hard.  From that day forward I never called him Brad.  He would always be Homer to me.  As rabid Indiana Hoosier fans, I felt that a tattoo of Homer Simpson dressed in IU gear was a very fitting tribute to my brother.  I love you Homer.  Philippians 1:3 brother.  I thank my God every time I remember you.

On his birthday of this year, I stopped by to see him.  If you look up and to the right of his headstone, you'll see a small Homer Simpson action figure.  I had to put that there.

This was Amanda's third tattoo.  However, unfortunately, it is her second tribute tattoo.  Mom passed away January 2, 2011 at 1:11pm.  She lost her battle with breast cancer.  This is one of my favorite tattoos that I've seen.  Not because the quality of work is the best I've ever seen, or because of the colors, or because of who it's on.  It's one of my favorites because of who it's for.  Sherry was a very special lady and I love and miss her very much.

This is obviously my Superman/Batman tat.  I have loved these two characters since I was a little kid.  I can remember my Nonnie had a red bath towel that I would pin around my neck and run around the house pretending I was Superman.  And of course, who doesn't love Batman?!?!

This is one that was done on my brother's daughter.  It is her tattoo for him.  He loves wolves very much, so she got this one for him.  I love the color and the look and feel of the ink.  It looks very much like a real wolf.  Even though this isn't my tattoo, I just had to post it because of how awesome the work is!

Of course, the big lump of coal on the left in this picture is me.  The guy on the right is Inky...I mean Dustin.  He is the guy who has done all of the tattoos above with the exception of my tattoo for Cullen.  Although I really would like for him to touch that one up.  I currently have him working on a design for a new one for me.  Naturally once it's finished I will post it on Facebook and most likely here too.  I hope you've enjoyed!

It's official

There are two things I want to discuss in this particular blog.  Both topics will have a resounding effect on mine and my family's lives.  These two subjects have been in the forefront of our lives for the past few weeks and even months.  I think it is just time to get into it.

The first thing is my career.  Yes, I said career.  Working is no longer a job for me.  I have advanced so quickly in such a short amount of time that I could most likely go to any fast food joint and get a General Manager's position.  Friday is my unofficial last day at Burger King.  I have a few vacation days that I am taking to finish off my two weeks notice.  My final day with BK is Monday, March 12, 2012.  However, Friday is my final working day.  I will miss most of the people that I work with at my little store in Trafalgar.  There are one or two that I really don't give a crap about, but I will miss most every one.  Josh, Lilly, Christin, Cameron, Simone, Andrea and Larry.  We've had a pretty good run, and made some tremendous strides with our small corner of the BK galaxy.  Number 1 in Speed of Service in our district.  Number 1 in Speed of Service in the state of Indiana.  And Top 10 in Speed of Service for the Indiana, Ohio and Kentucky area.  That's something to be proud of.  And not to mention that we whupped Amanda and Whiteland's back side rather handily!  HA!  Thank you to all who worked so hard to turn our speed around.  Be proud of what you did.  Be pleased with yourselves, and don't ever take your foot off the gas pedal.  I love you guys, and I will miss you so much!

The next thing is something that has been very prominent and dominating in our lives since November.  Our youngest son, Cullen Jean.  Today the lady who evaluated Cullen for Asperger's Syndrome called and spoke with Amanda.  She told her that she presented her findings to the Diagnosis Team and after reviewing Cullen's case and hearing what the evaluator had to say and what she discovered within minutes of interviewing us, the clinical psychologists have officially diagnosed Cullen Jean with Asperger's Syndrome.  It is 100%, in stone and rock solid diagnosis.

So what does this diagnosis mean for our family then?  Absolutely NOTHING!  We will work with Centerstone to come up with a plan for a balanced and healthy life for Cullen.  They will give us tips, tools and advice for helping him adjust to what makes no sense to him in this world.  There is no cure.  Nor do I wish for there to be a cure for our son.  He is who he is.  To find a "cure" for him would change who he is forever.  That is not what we want.  We just want him to learn to be a well adjusted, creative, funny, clever member of society!  With Asperger's Syndrome, one of their conditions is that there are things in this world that just do not make sense to them.  Our son is a classic case of that.  He cannot fathom, comprehend or even begin to think that his words or actions can have severe consequences, or any kind of consequences at all.  His brain, regardless of how intelligent he is, and he is, just cannot process those types of thoughts.  There are other traits and habits that he has that places him under the Autism Umbrella that make him unique and who he is, such as nuclear meltdowns over things that you and I would just be slightly frustrated with and dismiss just as easily.  Again, things that his brain just cannot process normally.

Most would just toss him aside and say he has anger management issues.  Most would just punish him as a trouble maker.  They do that because of their ignorance.  I forgive them for their ignorance, but I will never forget.

That being said, I wanna let you all know that it's pretty cool to be an Aspie!  Here is a list of some famous people who were diagnosed or believed to have Asperger's Syndrome.  They are, directors Stanley Kubrick, Tim Burton and Steven Spielberg, painter Andy Warhol, computer genius Bill Gates, authors Lewis Carroll, Jonathon Swift and Emily Dickinson, scientists Nikola Tesla, Sir Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein, United States Presidents Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln and video game creator Satoshi Tajiri.  I know a lot of you don't know the last person.  He is the man who invented Cullen's all time favorite thing.  POKEMON!  Cullen really thought that was incredible.  Suddenly, he didn't feel like an outcast or a trouble maker.  Now it all made sense to him and he is okay with it.  That is all we want.  Acceptance.  That is all that anyone who is diagnosed under the Autism Umbrella wants.  Know this, there is no cure.  There will never be a cure.  Anyone with any sort of Autism does not want a cure.  They just want one thing.  And that is to be accepted.

A Father's Love

Let me begin by saying that under no circumstances do I want anyone to finish reading this and feel sorry for me.  That is not the intent of this writing.  I am doing this just to get these thoughts out of my head and to let everyone in just a little bit.  I am rather guarded when it comes to letting people in, so this is just me opening up a bit.

So in case no one knows, I am 36 years old and have been a father for almost 15 years now.  I love both of my boys very much and would gladly lay down my life to save either of theirs.  I have watched and participated as my big guys went from tiny infants to well behaved young men.  My love for my kids has grown so much and so deeply over the years that I simply cannot imagine my life without them.  Hayden and Cullen are two of the coolest kids I've ever met.  Hayden is so talented musically.  He can play the trumpet and guitar.  He also wants to learn to play the piano.  I know that he can do it, it is just a matter of us being able to find the time and money to get him lessons.  He is also so intelligent when he puts his mind to it and it holds his interest.  Cullen Jean is so unique.  He too has musical talent as he can play the violin.  However, his true skills lie in his memory.  He is so incredibly smart.  We honestly don't know where he gets his intelligence from.  I mean, I'm smart.  My wife is smart.  However, he puts us both to shame.

The purpose of this blog isn't to pump up my boys.  It is to ask how a parent can just turn their backs on the children?  I honestly cannot fathom taking another breath on this earth without either of my boys with me.  I love them.  I'm in love with them.  They are my whole world.  Of course they make me angry, or get under my skin.  But what child doesn't get on their parents' nerves?  I just do not understand how a parent can ignore, disown or not love their children.

Take me for example.  My father had very little to nothing to do with me when I was growing up.  He didn't want to be involved in anything I did until I was married and we had a child on the way.  Even then, he was so wishy washy that I finally had to eliminate him from my life.  Wash my hands of him and be completely done.  No more chances and no more heartache.  Over the course of about 5 years he was on again, off again with me.  He hated me.  He loved me.  He wanted me around.  He couldn't stand the sight of me.  I had finally had enough and could not bear the pain he always left in my heart whenever he would walk away once again.  I have not spoken a word to him for over 10 years now, if not more.

Then there is my mother.  I honestly believe that I could write an entire book about her and how bad she has hurt me over the past 7 years.  So instead of mimicking Robert Jordan or Stephen King and presenting this as a thousand page manuscript, I'm just going to shorten this up quite a bit.  My mother turned her back on me and my boys over 7 years ago.  Something happened in our family, and as per usual with her, I was made out to be the bad guy.  I was the one who was at fault and the one who paid the price.  She remained the matriarch of the family and everyone continued to bow at her feet and worship her as if she were some sort of goddess.  She kept the love of a very large family and surrounded and showered herself with all of their love.  I was left with my wife and kids.  Not that that is a bad thing.  But something was missing.  There was a hole in my heart that had been torn out.  I now had a void.

Over those 7 years, I tried many times to contact  her.  To try to patch things up and start anew.  She was having none of it.  So on February 22 of this year I tried one final time to reach out to her and my step-dad.  I called them to share the news we had recently received about Cullen.  I spoke with my step-dad for about five minutes.  While on the phone, I gave him my cell phone number and told him that if either of them ever wanted to use it, then please do.  The next day was my birthday.  I was hoping so much and with all my might that my mother would call me to wish me happy birthday.  You never know how much you miss hearing those two words from your mother until you never hear them again.  So I waited.  Patiently I waited for her to call.  Even if it was just a 30 second phone call to tell me happy birthday.  I did not care at this point.  I just wanted her to call me.  I wanted it just so I would know that she still loved me and still cared.  That maybe somewhere she still thought about me.

As the day went on, the pain from the past 7 years came bubbling up to the surface until it nearly overflowed.  Some how I managed to fight back the tears and shove it back down once again.  The day turned into night and I had not received the phone call I was praying for.  I was devastated once more.  My heart was broken again and I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that my mother does not love me, want me, care for me or even think of me.  I am without family.  I am alone.

For 11 years now I have known one of the greatest friends I could ever meet.  A few years after that, he introduced me to another amazing and wonderful friend.  A few months after that there was yet another amazing friend introduced.  It all started as casual friendships.  It has turned into so much more.  Today, Gary, Dustin and Kambui are my family.  They are not just friends.  In some way, I always knew that they were never just friends.  I had always known that they would be the ones who would lift me up when I would fall.  They would be the ear that listened to all of my complaining.  They would be the ones to offer up advice when I was lost without an answer.  I knew that they would be my family.  I've always believed that God puts people in your life that you or they need.  That is what He did for me with Gary, Dustin and Kambui.  Now I have come to realize that God also takes people out of our lives that we no longer need.  He removes people from our lives that He knows are going to cause us infinite pain.  He puts people in our lives that He knows we have to have.

On my birthday, my brother Dustin and his wife Robyn welcomed their first grandchild into this world.  Little Jaxon Wade was born on my birthday!  How cool is that?!?!  My brother's grandson and I share the same birthday! On a day when I was so down because of my mother and how she doesn't love me, God brought a wonderful child into my life.  For those who don't believe in Him or in miracles, Jaxon is living proof that He does exist and that tiny miracles happen every day!

So to those who mean the world to me, Amanda, Hayden, Cullen Jean, Gary, Kambui, Josh G., Josh B., Rusty, Matt and Amanda M., Dustin, Robyn, Sarah and now little Jaxon, you are my family and I love you all so very much!  It is you all who have filled the void.  You all who have showed me that I am not alone.  It is because of you that my faith in love and family have been restored.  Thank you.