Many of you who read this blog, know me. You know that I love telling stories and that I love to share a good laugh with those I care for. But ultimately, I am a private person. I don't like letting people know when I'm having issues. I don't want people to know if there are troubles in my home, in my marriage and in my life. I would just assume keep that part of me private, thank you very much. What happens in my life, is my problem to deal with. I have always felt this way and to be honest, it will take some massive amounts of will power for my opinion on the matter to change. I want it to change, it is just going to be a struggle.
My story today starts at church this morning. It has been so long since we have been able to make it to church. I miss it, so much. I know that in my profession that I have to work most weekends, I get it. I either have to work on Sunday or I work late Saturday night and can't wake up in time to make it to church if I am off on Sunday. Today is only the fourth or fifth time in 2013 that we have made it to church. So when I woke up at 9 A.M., I made it a point to make sure we went to church. The music was great and the teaching was outstanding, but my mind was no place to be hanging out in. I had so many bad thoughts running through my head that I just wanted to scream! No matter how much I tried, I just couldn't get the bad thoughts out of my head. I tried my best to pay as close attention to the teaching as I could, because I figured that if my mind is under this much assault from satan that there must be something that is being said that he doesn't want me to hear. It turned out that I was right.
The message was about King Uzziah and his rise and fall. It is found in II Chronicles 26. He became king at the age of 16 and died a leper. He reigned for fifty two years and amassed so much power that he believed he had to do the jobs of the priests as well. This made God very unhappy and the blessings from the Lord stopped and the rapid downfall began. During the sermon, it was said that we always tend to get off to a great start when we do things. But it's not how we start, it's how we finish. That really struck a chord with me. Often times we get a "brilliant idea" and we start off with a bang! Then over time the idea fades and what was once brilliant, is now just a flash in the pan. Weight loss programs and dieting are the biggest examples of this. Our pastor went on to say that as long as King Uzziah was faithful to and stayed focused on the Lord, that he was prosperous in everything he did. But the moment Uzziah tried to do things for himself, it all fell apart.
I started thinking that this is exactly what happens in my life. A while ago I took it upon myself to try to find my own happiness. I failed. I was miserable at work and not much better at home. I hated my life so much that I honestly did not care if I lived or died. I had a stretch of about two and a half months where every time I worked, I was closing. I never saw my kids and I barely saw my wife. I hated everything. I was at the very bottom of the well and had no where else to look but up. So I prayed. I begged God to present me a new or different opportunity. I pleaded with Him to get me out of my current situation. Because of my faithfulness to Him, He was faithful to me and granted me His blessings. Once I arrived to my new place of employment, I stopped praying. I stopped focusing on God and I turned away from Him yet again. I am following the same path as King Uzziah. Is it any surprise to anyone that I am starting to become miserable again? Is it any shock at all that I am starting to notice that the relationship between my wife and I is starting to become testy again? Just today we started picking at each other once more. Luckily, it didn't escalate into a huge argument. But it could have.
So I need to stop being King Uzziah. I need to finish strong. I have to remain faithful to God and keep my focus on Him. I have to stop trying to do things myself and let Him guide my life. I have to find myself in His word more and more. When I am focused on Him, I am happy. I have a purpose and I have a zest for life. When I am living for myself, I'm a bit of an asshole. I don't want to be that person anymore. I need to start strong and I need to finish strong.
Self reflection is always a good thing, even if we don't like what we see. I have noticed in myself that when I start to feel depressed, I can look back and see that I have stopped listening to praise music on a regular basis, and this is my primary source of communion and fellowship with God. Great job picking up on the devil's lies too! Praying for you!
ReplyDelete