A Father's Love

Let me begin by saying that under no circumstances do I want anyone to finish reading this and feel sorry for me.  That is not the intent of this writing.  I am doing this just to get these thoughts out of my head and to let everyone in just a little bit.  I am rather guarded when it comes to letting people in, so this is just me opening up a bit.

So in case no one knows, I am 36 years old and have been a father for almost 15 years now.  I love both of my boys very much and would gladly lay down my life to save either of theirs.  I have watched and participated as my big guys went from tiny infants to well behaved young men.  My love for my kids has grown so much and so deeply over the years that I simply cannot imagine my life without them.  Hayden and Cullen are two of the coolest kids I've ever met.  Hayden is so talented musically.  He can play the trumpet and guitar.  He also wants to learn to play the piano.  I know that he can do it, it is just a matter of us being able to find the time and money to get him lessons.  He is also so intelligent when he puts his mind to it and it holds his interest.  Cullen Jean is so unique.  He too has musical talent as he can play the violin.  However, his true skills lie in his memory.  He is so incredibly smart.  We honestly don't know where he gets his intelligence from.  I mean, I'm smart.  My wife is smart.  However, he puts us both to shame.

The purpose of this blog isn't to pump up my boys.  It is to ask how a parent can just turn their backs on the children?  I honestly cannot fathom taking another breath on this earth without either of my boys with me.  I love them.  I'm in love with them.  They are my whole world.  Of course they make me angry, or get under my skin.  But what child doesn't get on their parents' nerves?  I just do not understand how a parent can ignore, disown or not love their children.

Take me for example.  My father had very little to nothing to do with me when I was growing up.  He didn't want to be involved in anything I did until I was married and we had a child on the way.  Even then, he was so wishy washy that I finally had to eliminate him from my life.  Wash my hands of him and be completely done.  No more chances and no more heartache.  Over the course of about 5 years he was on again, off again with me.  He hated me.  He loved me.  He wanted me around.  He couldn't stand the sight of me.  I had finally had enough and could not bear the pain he always left in my heart whenever he would walk away once again.  I have not spoken a word to him for over 10 years now, if not more.

Then there is my mother.  I honestly believe that I could write an entire book about her and how bad she has hurt me over the past 7 years.  So instead of mimicking Robert Jordan or Stephen King and presenting this as a thousand page manuscript, I'm just going to shorten this up quite a bit.  My mother turned her back on me and my boys over 7 years ago.  Something happened in our family, and as per usual with her, I was made out to be the bad guy.  I was the one who was at fault and the one who paid the price.  She remained the matriarch of the family and everyone continued to bow at her feet and worship her as if she were some sort of goddess.  She kept the love of a very large family and surrounded and showered herself with all of their love.  I was left with my wife and kids.  Not that that is a bad thing.  But something was missing.  There was a hole in my heart that had been torn out.  I now had a void.

Over those 7 years, I tried many times to contact  her.  To try to patch things up and start anew.  She was having none of it.  So on February 22 of this year I tried one final time to reach out to her and my step-dad.  I called them to share the news we had recently received about Cullen.  I spoke with my step-dad for about five minutes.  While on the phone, I gave him my cell phone number and told him that if either of them ever wanted to use it, then please do.  The next day was my birthday.  I was hoping so much and with all my might that my mother would call me to wish me happy birthday.  You never know how much you miss hearing those two words from your mother until you never hear them again.  So I waited.  Patiently I waited for her to call.  Even if it was just a 30 second phone call to tell me happy birthday.  I did not care at this point.  I just wanted her to call me.  I wanted it just so I would know that she still loved me and still cared.  That maybe somewhere she still thought about me.

As the day went on, the pain from the past 7 years came bubbling up to the surface until it nearly overflowed.  Some how I managed to fight back the tears and shove it back down once again.  The day turned into night and I had not received the phone call I was praying for.  I was devastated once more.  My heart was broken again and I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that my mother does not love me, want me, care for me or even think of me.  I am without family.  I am alone.

For 11 years now I have known one of the greatest friends I could ever meet.  A few years after that, he introduced me to another amazing and wonderful friend.  A few months after that there was yet another amazing friend introduced.  It all started as casual friendships.  It has turned into so much more.  Today, Gary, Dustin and Kambui are my family.  They are not just friends.  In some way, I always knew that they were never just friends.  I had always known that they would be the ones who would lift me up when I would fall.  They would be the ear that listened to all of my complaining.  They would be the ones to offer up advice when I was lost without an answer.  I knew that they would be my family.  I've always believed that God puts people in your life that you or they need.  That is what He did for me with Gary, Dustin and Kambui.  Now I have come to realize that God also takes people out of our lives that we no longer need.  He removes people from our lives that He knows are going to cause us infinite pain.  He puts people in our lives that He knows we have to have.

On my birthday, my brother Dustin and his wife Robyn welcomed their first grandchild into this world.  Little Jaxon Wade was born on my birthday!  How cool is that?!?!  My brother's grandson and I share the same birthday! On a day when I was so down because of my mother and how she doesn't love me, God brought a wonderful child into my life.  For those who don't believe in Him or in miracles, Jaxon is living proof that He does exist and that tiny miracles happen every day!

So to those who mean the world to me, Amanda, Hayden, Cullen Jean, Gary, Kambui, Josh G., Josh B., Rusty, Matt and Amanda M., Dustin, Robyn, Sarah and now little Jaxon, you are my family and I love you all so very much!  It is you all who have filled the void.  You all who have showed me that I am not alone.  It is because of you that my faith in love and family have been restored.  Thank you.